Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Being selfish is part of my nature

Sometimes I envy the characters in television dramas because unlike in real life, their problems are just so... there. Which is why I feel like I can understand Shuji in Nobuta wo Produce. I'm in the most popular clique in class, but I'm not even close to anyone. There's no one for me to hold long phone calls with, or even message asking about homework. It's like I'm just drifting inside the clique with just "aqquaintance-friends" instead of "best friends" or even "clique-close friends".

As I watch Nobuta wo Produce, I really wonder who I should be like. Should I continue living my Shuji-like existence, not really feeling anything towards my "friends" and maintaining a cool facade towards everything? Like him, I always make up last minute excuses not to go out with my friends, such as tuition, doctors appointments, parents' warnings and yes, even funerals (only once though). But I'm not even one of the most popular in class, I just happen to be in the most popular clique. And all the effort that I used to put into making myself appear popular is wearing me down.

Or I could be Nobuta, whom I am already somewhat similar to. I have bad self-confidence amongst my classmates and hunch a little. The thought of just keeping silent and not opening my mouth in class is tempting, but it is almost impossible in terms of education today.

I dream of becoming like Akira, though this is the least likely option. I'd open up to everyone about my interests in JE, jdormas, etc, and ignore whatever criticisms they throw at me. If I were to get close to my least popular classmates, that would be pretty awkward too, because they really do have their reasons for being unpopular, such as body odour or really bad characters, and I don't fancy being close to them.

Aaah, the anxieties of students today. (Assuming that there are others who think like I do) I dream of becoming a hikikomori, shutting myself at home. Actually I'm already somewhat like that, having stayed at home for over a month, most of the time spent in my room with the blinds drawn and door locked. I rarely communicate with anyone from school when it's the weekend or holidays, but I have no major issues talking to people out of school.

In case you are someone who has already left school or even a parent/teacher yourself, or perhaps a student who has very different views and you think that I'm acting all angsty and making my life sound miserable when there is a child dying of hunger every 5seconds worldwide, I'm sorry. I can be pretty selfish.

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