Wednesday, November 25, 2009

give me a symbol of your peace

It's not chains and locks that keep people shut in, it's the looks and glares that others give you. Why can't we just, for once, treat one another the same way? Why do we have to ostracise certain individuals? Nowadays, people don't talk to you for all sorts of reasons, it's no longer because you're nerdy or have bad breath, it's because you don't follow a certain "formulas" to become cool, well-liked and popular.

I'm so tired of trying to change myself, upgrade my image and improve my attitude when none of it seem to work. Rattling this out might make me seem berserk. I don't understand why people can't accept others, simply because they weren't hanging out with the coolest gang to start with. Everyone deserves a chance, don't they?

I'm scared to go out of my house. Scared to go out alone because others will see me as a loser for hanging out alone; scared to go out with my parents because others will think they're the only people in my life. My skin has been bleached white by my long stay indoors. It's only been about two weeks, but every day I can feel the pent-up fustration building up inside me as I waste my life away. I don't have the drive to do anyting, be it exercise or study. I sit in front of the television, my eyes wide open but not taking in anything that's happening around me. On the internet, I track everyone's daily activites, wondering why I'm excluded, why no one called me to ask me along

I wonder if I should take solace in books, just like the many stories you hear, the ostracised genius studying hard to get back at everyone else. But it's not so easy. Thinking of how school will have to reopen next year, how I'll have to face everyone again, it's a pain. Imagine going home alone, having no partner durng gym, staying in class alone under the pretence of wanting to lose weight, the thought alone is enough for me to wonder if I should just give up and quit.

Yes, I am angry. But the anger I have cannot compare to the grief, despain and confusion, all mixed together in an inexplicable tangle inside my chest. It's been one year since we've been in the same class and I can safely say I have no close friends. Sure, there are decent people that I talk to, but they have their own closer friends who want nothing to do with me.

I don't want to have to go through another year.

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